Spot The…

Let’s play a game I like to call Spot the… The rules are fairly simple, and you win nothing anyways, so a competitive spirit is not needed. You will need, though, to point a lot while walking the streets of Edinburgh during the Fringe, so have your fingers sharp and ready to use.

I’m going to start with Spot the Spaniards. They are absolutely everywhere, so it will be an easy game. Fear not, I feel I am allowed to play this game and comment on their Edinburgh invasion, just a smuch as Chris Rock can do ‘funny remarks’ about black people and not be branded a racist, since he himself is black. I am in fact of Spanish origin myself, so there is no Spaniard-cism (in search of a better word that can encompase the ‘racism towards Spaniard’ idea) here.

So, here are some tips on recognising Spaniards, which will make the game a bit easier:

• Spaniards will always walk in groups of 3, 4 or 6. You will rarely see them in pairs, and never on their own.
• They will have with them a rucksack, plastic bag or handbag from where they will extract neatly packed lunchboxes for the day, Edinburgh guides, maps, packets of cigarettes, water bottles, an umbrella, a spare pair of socks, and a tatty old digital camera.
• If they have to go eat somewhere (since they forgot their luchbox), you will find them in the epitome of high cuisine. McDonalds.
• In McDonalds they will be the ones who go to the till and say: Eeeeer… Hellow, wuan Big Mak meniu, por favor. Seconds later, whoever asked for the Big Mac menu, will turn around to her/his Spanish comrades and will shout and laugh loudly about how he/she said por favor, instead of please.
• Once with their meals at their tables, they are the ones who realise they did not ask for Ketchup, so will huff and puff till Manuel or Maria, who did a year of English at a private language school, offers to go to the till to ask for it. I mean, he/she knows far better English than the rest of them. He/she will, then, go and say: Ketchup, please. The rest of the group will look at her/him amazed, wondering if they will ever be able to master the language so well.
• They also are the ones who, at the queue to go into a show, will ask if the show is in English.
• They are the ones who ask if there are subtitles in Spanish for the shows.
• You will find them concentrated in corners smoking three cigarettes on a row, moaning about the smoking ban.

The two top tips though, and the easiest way to spot them, I have left for the end, so have your pens ready, since these tips will make you, without any doubt, win the whole game:

• They are the ones who, in the middle of August, are wearing, scarves, gloves, woolly hats, and huge winter coats.
• They are the ones who, even under all the gear, are still blue and shivering with cold.

Adrian G. Velazquez